Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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