You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
My hand turned me down
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
