who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize