Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize