I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
