I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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