11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
