Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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