Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
