I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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