Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize