I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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