Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
