I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
