I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
