She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I am spending my child support on dildos
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
