He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
