I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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