Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
