I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
