Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
