I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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