I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
