too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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