Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize