Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
