The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize