my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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