he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
