I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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