You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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