He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Randomize
