I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
