Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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