I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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