just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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