cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
