oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if only i could text you this smell
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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