Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
