Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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