Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
