I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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