I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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