Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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