mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
