R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
