did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
