i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
