Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
