she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
