I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
