I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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