Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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