so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
