he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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