I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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