Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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