New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
