Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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