I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
